Peyton Pillows

I love moments of realization.  The big "Oooooooooooooohh, That's why that happened" ones.  Well I had one while I was driving down the road a few weeks ago.  Just came out of nowhere and brought me into a cold sweat.  I literally stopped driving in the middle of the road.  Good thing it was just before a red light - made me just look like the silly old lady that thinks she has to leave 8 car lengths between her vehicle and the one in front of her.  Anyway, some of you may remember that Little was in no hurry to come out and meet me.  If you feel like rereading the whole shebang, click here.  Otherwise, here are the main points that get to my realization in the car:

I had to be induced at about 38.5 weeks because my blood pressure was rising.  Induction started on a Saturday morning but by Sunday evening, after a Cervadil and 2 rounds of pitocin, Little Foot wasn't any closer to being born.  Finally after some more drugs, interventions, and scary sounding machinery, Andrew came into the world a few minutes after midnight on January 18, 2010.  Upon entry into the maternity ward that weekend, I thought my son's birthday would be January 16.  I've often wondered why in the world I was in labor for 40 hours.  I know inductions can take longer, but 40 hours??? Well, almost 2 years later, I finally know why.  Andrew couldn't respond to medical interventions or he wouldn't have been born on Peyton's birthday.  Just 30 minutes earlier - if just 1 of those procedures had worked - if I hadn't nad to be induced early - Little and Peanut wouldn't share a birthday.  I still don't know exactly why the Lord chose to connect our 2 families in this way, but I know that He did it on purpose.  I know that James, Tanya, and the Bulltots are supposed to be woven into my, Mister's and Andrew's lives. We have our sons' birthdays in common and one day we will both know the pain of losing them.  I actually told Tanya that losing our boys is not something I ever wanted to have in common with her.  I'm thankful - I'm very thankful - to have such a dear family so close to us and I can't help but wonder what else He has planned for this friendship.

I want to thank you all for thoughts and prayers over the last 5 weeks concerning Peyton.  I want you to know that you have helped so much.  I know the Lord has been listening and He has been comforting Peyton's family and carrying them through these last few weeks.  James and Tanya are continuing to put one foot in front of the other and are adjusting to their day to day life without Peyton - they have said they are trying to find a new normal/routine.  They've moved to a new home, the twins are back in school, and James is heading back to work soon.  Tanya has been busy trying to keep things moving for the twins and getting them all settled into their new place.  I'm asking ya'll to continue keeping them in your prayers.  They are unpacking boxes, which forces them to sift through Peyton's belongings.  I know that there will be items that Tanya or James will pick up out of those boxes and be knocked to the floor by a rush of grief and sadness.  Pray that God will pick them back up again and that the storms pass quickly.

I went through my own stash of Peyton's things the day after the birthday revelation.   I thought to myself that I was lucky to have these things that our sweet P once called his, yet I also felt like I didn't deserve them.  I love Peyt, but he wasn't mine.  I almost felt like I should give them back.  I know that's silly, and I know Tanya wants Andrew to have them.  In fact, just yesterday she asked me if I want the rest of Peyton's clothes (yes).   Well in the drawer of clothes that are still too big, I found 3 sets of fleece pajamas.  Here's Peyton in 2 of them  -

They were still so soft, I wanted to hug them.  So I did.  Then I wished I could hug the twins.  And then I thought, I bet they'd give anything to hug Peyton right now.  I'd been wanting to do something for them for a while now, but I didn't  have any idea what.  Then as I looked at the pj's in my arms, I realized I had a hug for them right there.  I decided to make those fleece tops into pillows.  I call them Peyton Pillows.

 I mailed 2 of them to Tanya to give to the twins, and I kept one for Little.  I gave it to him on Christmas.

He loves it.  He knows that is his pillow and when he wants it, he points to it and says "pleewoah?"  I'm going to be a bit sad when he starts speaking like a normal adult one day.

I hope the Bulltots like them, too.  I hope one day when they are older, that they appreciate having something of their baby brother's to physically hold on to.  I know that I am glad to have Russell's ratty old Steelers shirt.  I can't help but think of him when I wear it (not out in public, of course - hahaha) and it's a kind of comfort to me.  I hope they feel the same way.

Oh, I should explain why I don't use their names or post their pictures - they're 6.  They're babies, and they are not my babies - so it's not my right to plaster them up on the internet.  So Bulltots or Bulltwins it is.  I call them that offline as well - you can ask their mom.  :)

****update:  Tanya called tonight and said the twins sleep with the pillows every night.  :) :) :) :) :)