Little's Life

Little's Life

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


This is Peyton.  Peyton is the son of my very good friends Tanya and James.  We became friends when the Army moved Mister and I to Ft Campbell in 2009.  Peyton was just shy of 18 months old.  He was africkindorable.  Big blue eyes, blonde hair, and cheeks you could barely keep from smooching.  Tanya and I quickly became friends - it was easy.  It still is.  We are both the kind of friend you don't have to check in with on a daily basis.  We can go 2 weeks without talking then pick right back up where we left off.  Our friendship has always felt effortless.  Tanya was there for me whenever I needed when Andrew was an infant and Mister was in Afghanistan.  James, too.  He would come by the house every 3 or 4 weeks to check in on us and keep Mister's truck battery running.  Tanya never made me feel like I was burdening her if I needed her to watch Andrew, even at the last minute.  In fact, I'm pretty sure she liked it bc she was able to get her "baby fix" in.  Every now and then I would get to watch Peyton for her.  Such a doll.  He was an absolute delight to me because when I watched him, I felt I was watching Little's future.  Every move Peyt made, I would excitedly think about how one day it would be Andrew.  See, Little was born on Peyton's 2nd birthday.  It gave me an immediate connection to that beautiful little boy.  It also makes Peyton, Andrew's very first friend.

Peanut and Little on January 18, 2011 - Peyton's 3rd and Andrew's 1st birthdays.

More birthday festivities.

Taking Little for a ride on the train.  Little's not too certain about it.

With his Kool-Aid smile welcoming Mister back home from Afghanistan.

So I've known Peyton his whole life.  I've known how much his parents, brother, and sister love and adore him.  I know that the sun rises and sets for Tanya by Peyton.

So I know that right now Tanya and James are in more pain that I could ever fathom, because yesterday Peyton went Home with the Lord.

On Sunday, Nov. 27, Peyton fell into a swimming pool in Crestview, Fl.  Without going into all the details, I will tell you that he ended up in the NICU in a hospital in Pensacola.  The doctors did everything they could for him and Peyton fought valiantly.  He made it through the first night with stable blood pressure, heart beats, and was even breathing mostly on his own.  Unfortunately, the damage from the water was just too much for his little body to take and he passed away at 7:33 last night.

My heart is shattered over this.  It's not the same as when we lost Russell.  With Russell, I was consumed in a selfish grief.  How do I deal with losing him?  I can't believe he'll never barge through my front door again!  But this is different.  I love Peyton and I am devastated that he's no longer with us, but the brunt of my pain lies with his parents.  I don't believe I was capable of feeling it from this angle with Russell because I was not yet a parent myself.  But now, having Andrew, I can't mourn for my loss with Peyton, because the mother in me turns my emotions immediately over to Tanya.

I got the slightest shadow of what they're going through when the doctor told me I was going to lose Andrew, but right now I've still got him.  I know that the day will come (barring a new treatment discovery) when I will be holding my son's funeral.  But it's not today.  Lord willing, it won't even be 20 years from today.  So my moment of panic/terror/soul crushing pain was temporary.  It will never go away completely, but now it is like a dull ache in the bottom of my chest - the level of intensity has dropped.  I cannot imagine how horrendous it would be if that first hour of pain in knowing my son will die was magnified a million fold and immediately a continuous raw gash in my heart.  See, I have time to prepare myself as best I can for when Andrew's time is over - Tanya did not.  Tanya's and James's world has been gutted open and scattered around in front of them.  I am crushed for them.  We are not supposed to outlive our children.  No parent should ever have to go through what Tanya and James are going through right now.  I have cried and begged God not to do this for days.  I prayed and prayed for God to spare them this pain.  I have dropped to my knees in desperation and sobbed so hard I thought my insides had caught fire.  Tanya and James do not deserve this.  Peyton's 6 yr old twin siblings do not deserve this.  I would give anything to erase their pain and give them their Peanut back.

But I know that's not possible.  I know that Peyton has gone to Heaven to wait for the rest of his family.  Peyton will never again know pain, sadness, or fear.  He is surrounded by God's glory and peace.  My wish now, is for some of that peace to fall on the Bullocks.  My prayer is for God to take Tanya and James by the hand and lead them toward a place of healing.  That He help them comfort the twins as they try to wrap their sweet heads around a life without their baby brother.  This will be the hardest road any of them ever have to walk down and I ask that you all pray, too, that God wrap His Almighty arms around them as they start on this new path.

Mister doesn't like anyone to know the has a heart, but he's been captured by this family, too.  James is one of his closest friends these days.  In fact, he's dropped everything and is on his way to him right now.  Tanya, I wish I could be there for you physically, too.  It's too much for Little so I can't.  If you thought for 1 second that I wasn't there bc I don't care enough, that would crush me.  You have such a special place in my heart - all 5 of you do.  And I've given Mister strict instructions to pass my love on to you and my smooches onto the twins if he gets to see them.

Friends, please keep this family in your prayers.  Pray that God will lift them up and light their way.  I am saddened to my very core, but I'll be ok.  Please don't worry about me, but center your prayers to Him around Tanya, James, the twins, and the rest of the Stewart/Bullock families.

Peyton Stewart Bullock
January 18, 2008 - November 28, 2011

Rest in peace my sweet P.  You will be missed so very much.  In 2 months, on January 18, on Little's birthday cake, there will be an extra candle, a special candle - lit just for you - and will be that way every year on your shared day.  I love you, baby boy.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Ah Lawdy, Lawdy

Happy Thanksgiving, Tot fans! We had ours a few days early with my parents and my Pappaw. I hadn't seen him since Turkey Day '09 when Tot was still in my belly. It was nice to finally introduce them to each other.

If you know my Pappaw and know how he feels about his Cee-gars, you understand how hysterical this picture is and why my mom is cracking up (Isn't that right, Leesburg Church of Christ? - Yeah, I know you're reading this. :)  Don't be shy, you can leave comments on here and on his Facebook page.  That goes for all of you silent Tot Fans!  Let me know you're reading, thinking about, or praying for us - I luuuuuuuuuuuurve comments and it's heartwarming every time someone comes up to me and says they read this blog.  It's nice to know I'm not just writing this for myself.  So hit the "follow" button over on the right or "like" his facebook page!)  Wow, longest parenthetical aside ever.

But speaking of silent Tot Fans - one came up to me on Sunday and told me of something amazing, unexpected, and and so, so gracious that she is orchestrating in January concerning Little!  More on that when it gets closer to the date but it's AWESOME!  I never expect anything out of others (other than immediate family) for Little, myself, or Mister so when someone interrupts their regularly scheduled program to bless one of us, it blows my mind.  I cried halfway through the service!  Then my dad decided he'd sing alto with me on one of the songs and the tears were switched into laughter.  Laughter in church! Gasp!

Ok so........Thanksgiving, the January thing....what else, what else.... oh!  I have pictures that prove Little One is starting to look like me!

And thus was born my fear of clowns.

This next one has nothing to do with Tot, I just love it.  It's me and my brother, Brian.

The other thing is that I finally got a moment to myself.  For the first time in 22 months, I had a weekend away!  No Little, no Mister - just me and my bff since 6th grade, Brooke.  We went to the Razorback game in Fayetteville, AR against Tennessee.  It was a blast.  And soooooooooo overdue.

I'm hiding a heart monitor under that big ole sweatshirt.  I had to do a home monitor for a week and that was the last day.  I've also had an EKG, a stress test, and an Echo in the past few weeks to get some baseline stats just in case I am a DMD carrier.  Echo technician said I had a "textbook heart".  So all's well!

Before the game we searched Senior Walk for my name.  I graduated in 2005 but my name was nowhere to be found on that sidewalk.  I don't know what year I'm listed on, but we found it on the ground in front of the music building, right before the street intersects with Dickson St, facing Brough.  Best sidewalk on campus as far as location - every single person that attends U of A will walk across my name at some point.  So many feet (and prolly spilled coffee, spit, gum, maybe worse...) will land on my name.

So that's probably enough for now, right?
NO!  NO IT'S NOT!  I just realized I never posted his Halloween pictures!  How could I neglect to share the world's cutest sock monkey with my readers?????????? For shame!

All I said was to put the candy back in the bowl for the Trick-or-Treaters!

So a belated Happy Halloween and a punctual Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!