Why I will never be a professional photographer

I have a new respect for photographers who work with children.  This is my cover photo on Facebook.  It is the Bulltwins and Little with their Peyton Pillows.

 Sweet picture, right?  Well here's how many shots it took to get just one that was usable.

That one on the side in the middle cracks me up - Little has just fallen over backwards and couldn't get up.

So then a few weeks ago I tried to get a shot of all the Gibsonoids in their Little's League tees..........here's how that went.

1st, as you see, Gracie couldn't even find hers.

 and my personal favorite

Mason's rear.  Awesome.

 I ended up having to kick everyone else out of the shot except for the girls and steal a shirt off of one of the boys to put it on Gracie.

Photographing children = herding cats.

Peyton Pillows

I love moments of realization.  The big "Oooooooooooooohh, That's why that happened" ones.  Well I had one while I was driving down the road a few weeks ago.  Just came out of nowhere and brought me into a cold sweat.  I literally stopped driving in the middle of the road.  Good thing it was just before a red light - made me just look like the silly old lady that thinks she has to leave 8 car lengths between her vehicle and the one in front of her.  Anyway, some of you may remember that Little was in no hurry to come out and meet me.  If you feel like rereading the whole shebang, click here.  Otherwise, here are the main points that get to my realization in the car:

I had to be induced at about 38.5 weeks because my blood pressure was rising.  Induction started on a Saturday morning but by Sunday evening, after a Cervadil and 2 rounds of pitocin, Little Foot wasn't any closer to being born.  Finally after some more drugs, interventions, and scary sounding machinery, Andrew came into the world a few minutes after midnight on January 18, 2010.  Upon entry into the maternity ward that weekend, I thought my son's birthday would be January 16.  I've often wondered why in the world I was in labor for 40 hours.  I know inductions can take longer, but 40 hours??? Well, almost 2 years later, I finally know why.  Andrew couldn't respond to medical interventions or he wouldn't have been born on Peyton's birthday.  Just 30 minutes earlier - if just 1 of those procedures had worked - if I hadn't nad to be induced early - Little and Peanut wouldn't share a birthday.  I still don't know exactly why the Lord chose to connect our 2 families in this way, but I know that He did it on purpose.  I know that James, Tanya, and the Bulltots are supposed to be woven into my, Mister's and Andrew's lives. We have our sons' birthdays in common and one day we will both know the pain of losing them.  I actually told Tanya that losing our boys is not something I ever wanted to have in common with her.  I'm thankful - I'm very thankful - to have such a dear family so close to us and I can't help but wonder what else He has planned for this friendship.

I want to thank you all for thoughts and prayers over the last 5 weeks concerning Peyton.  I want you to know that you have helped so much.  I know the Lord has been listening and He has been comforting Peyton's family and carrying them through these last few weeks.  James and Tanya are continuing to put one foot in front of the other and are adjusting to their day to day life without Peyton - they have said they are trying to find a new normal/routine.  They've moved to a new home, the twins are back in school, and James is heading back to work soon.  Tanya has been busy trying to keep things moving for the twins and getting them all settled into their new place.  I'm asking ya'll to continue keeping them in your prayers.  They are unpacking boxes, which forces them to sift through Peyton's belongings.  I know that there will be items that Tanya or James will pick up out of those boxes and be knocked to the floor by a rush of grief and sadness.  Pray that God will pick them back up again and that the storms pass quickly.

I went through my own stash of Peyton's things the day after the birthday revelation.   I thought to myself that I was lucky to have these things that our sweet P once called his, yet I also felt like I didn't deserve them.  I love Peyt, but he wasn't mine.  I almost felt like I should give them back.  I know that's silly, and I know Tanya wants Andrew to have them.  In fact, just yesterday she asked me if I want the rest of Peyton's clothes (yes).   Well in the drawer of clothes that are still too big, I found 3 sets of fleece pajamas.  Here's Peyton in 2 of them  -

They were still so soft, I wanted to hug them.  So I did.  Then I wished I could hug the twins.  And then I thought, I bet they'd give anything to hug Peyton right now.  I'd been wanting to do something for them for a while now, but I didn't  have any idea what.  Then as I looked at the pj's in my arms, I realized I had a hug for them right there.  I decided to make those fleece tops into pillows.  I call them Peyton Pillows.

 I mailed 2 of them to Tanya to give to the twins, and I kept one for Little.  I gave it to him on Christmas.

He loves it.  He knows that is his pillow and when he wants it, he points to it and says "pleewoah?"  I'm going to be a bit sad when he starts speaking like a normal adult one day.

I hope the Bulltots like them, too.  I hope one day when they are older, that they appreciate having something of their baby brother's to physically hold on to.  I know that I am glad to have Russell's ratty old Steelers shirt.  I can't help but think of him when I wear it (not out in public, of course - hahaha) and it's a kind of comfort to me.  I hope they feel the same way.

Oh, I should explain why I don't use their names or post their pictures - they're 6.  They're babies, and they are not my babies - so it's not my right to plaster them up on the internet.  So Bulltots or Bulltwins it is.  I call them that offline as well - you can ask their mom.  :)

****update:  Tanya called tonight and said the twins sleep with the pillows every night.  :) :) :) :) :)

Peyton

This is Peyton.  Peyton is the son of my very good friends Tanya and James.  We became friends when the Army moved Mister and I to Ft Campbell in 2009.  Peyton was just shy of 18 months old.  He was africkindorable.  Big blue eyes, blonde hair, and cheeks you could barely keep from smooching.  Tanya and I quickly became friends - it was easy.  It still is.  We are both the kind of friend you don't have to check in with on a daily basis.  We can go 2 weeks without talking then pick right back up where we left off.  Our friendship has always felt effortless.  Tanya was there for me whenever I needed when Andrew was an infant and Mister was in Afghanistan.  James, too.  He would come by the house every 3 or 4 weeks to check in on us and keep Mister's truck battery running.  Tanya never made me feel like I was burdening her if I needed her to watch Andrew, even at the last minute.  In fact, I'm pretty sure she liked it bc she was able to get her "baby fix" in.  Every now and then I would get to watch Peyton for her.  Such a doll.  He was an absolute delight to me because when I watched him, I felt I was watching Little's future.  Every move Peyt made, I would excitedly think about how one day it would be Andrew.  See, Little was born on Peyton's 2nd birthday.  It gave me an immediate connection to that beautiful little boy.  It also makes Peyton, Andrew's very first friend.

Peanut and Little on January 18, 2011 - Peyton's 3rd and Andrew's 1st birthdays.

More birthday festivities.

Taking Little for a ride on the train.  Little's not too certain about it.

With his Kool-Aid smile welcoming Mister back home from Afghanistan.

So I've known Peyton his whole life.  I've known how much his parents, brother, and sister love and adore him.  I know that the sun rises and sets for Tanya by Peyton.

So I know that right now Tanya and James are in more pain that I could ever fathom, because yesterday Peyton went Home with the Lord.

On Sunday, Nov. 27, Peyton fell into a swimming pool in Crestview, Fl.  Without going into all the details, I will tell you that he ended up in the NICU in a hospital in Pensacola.  The doctors did everything they could for him and Peyton fought valiantly.  He made it through the first night with stable blood pressure, heart beats, and was even breathing mostly on his own.  Unfortunately, the damage from the water was just too much for his little body to take and he passed away at 7:33 last night.

My heart is shattered over this.  It's not the same as when we lost Russell.  With Russell, I was consumed in a selfish grief.  How do I deal with losing him?  I can't believe he'll never barge through my front door again!  But this is different.  I love Peyton and I am devastated that he's no longer with us, but the brunt of my pain lies with his parents.  I don't believe I was capable of feeling it from this angle with Russell because I was not yet a parent myself.  But now, having Andrew, I can't mourn for my loss with Peyton, because the mother in me turns my emotions immediately over to Tanya.

I got the slightest shadow of what they're going through when the doctor told me I was going to lose Andrew, but right now I've still got him.  I know that the day will come (barring a new treatment discovery) when I will be holding my son's funeral.  But it's not today.  Lord willing, it won't even be 20 years from today.  So my moment of panic/terror/soul crushing pain was temporary.  It will never go away completely, but now it is like a dull ache in the bottom of my chest - the level of intensity has dropped.  I cannot imagine how horrendous it would be if that first hour of pain in knowing my son will die was magnified a million fold and immediately a continuous raw gash in my heart.  See, I have time to prepare myself as best I can for when Andrew's time is over - Tanya did not.  Tanya's and James's world has been gutted open and scattered around in front of them.  I am crushed for them.  We are not supposed to outlive our children.  No parent should ever have to go through what Tanya and James are going through right now.  I have cried and begged God not to do this for days.  I prayed and prayed for God to spare them this pain.  I have dropped to my knees in desperation and sobbed so hard I thought my insides had caught fire.  Tanya and James do not deserve this.  Peyton's 6 yr old twin siblings do not deserve this.  I would give anything to erase their pain and give them their Peanut back.

But I know that's not possible.  I know that Peyton has gone to Heaven to wait for the rest of his family.  Peyton will never again know pain, sadness, or fear.  He is surrounded by God's glory and peace.  My wish now, is for some of that peace to fall on the Bullocks.  My prayer is for God to take Tanya and James by the hand and lead them toward a place of healing.  That He help them comfort the twins as they try to wrap their sweet heads around a life without their baby brother.  This will be the hardest road any of them ever have to walk down and I ask that you all pray, too, that God wrap His Almighty arms around them as they start on this new path.

Mister doesn't like anyone to know the has a heart, but he's been captured by this family, too.  James is one of his closest friends these days.  In fact, he's dropped everything and is on his way to him right now.  Tanya, I wish I could be there for you physically, too.  It's too much for Little so I can't.  If you thought for 1 second that I wasn't there bc I don't care enough, that would crush me.  You have such a special place in my heart - all 5 of you do.  And I've given Mister strict instructions to pass my love on to you and my smooches onto the twins if he gets to see them.

Friends, please keep this family in your prayers.  Pray that God will lift them up and light their way.  I am saddened to my very core, but I'll be ok.  Please don't worry about me, but center your prayers to Him around Tanya, James, the twins, and the rest of the Stewart/Bullock families.

Peyton Stewart Bullock

January 18, 2008 - November 28, 2011

Rest in peace my sweet P.  You will be missed so very much.  In 2 months, on January 18, on Little's birthday cake, there will be an extra candle, a special candle - lit just for you - and will be that way every year on your shared day.  I love you, baby boy.